Reviving "No"

     The fact that I have a good reason doesn't mean that you have an obligation.
                 - Anna Valdiserri
    These were life altering words from  Anna at a time when I was forcing myself to look at some of my "issues." A change would affect everyone with whom I dealt, and I was anticipating the displeasure.
   Soon after VioDy, Anna began talking to me about boundaries and the word "no." Warnings, consequences .. it was all fascinating information. But how was any of it applicable if one felt incapable of telling others "no?" Actually, this wasn't about an inability to formulate a two letter word. It was about a fear of  perceived repercussions from denying others' requests.
    Anna didn't judge. She advised me to practice saying no to people. We tried it. She thought of a ridiculous example. Anna asked if I'd fly across the ocean, go to her back yard, and pick up dog poop. She followed the question with,  "I hurt my back." I baulked. "You have a good reason.." That's when Anna offered the quote at the beginning of this post. I was floored. With one sentence, Anna taught me how not to be guilt tripped into giving into people. It was time to "get selfish" (become more resistant). Here's what I learned:
    Manipulators don't need you; they want  what you can provide. I realized I was dealing with very capable adults. Any excuse to the contrary was.. an excuse. This wasn't about offering help or support, this was about doing people's bidding. If one is the path of least resistance, why would people turn elsewhere?
    You lose "friends" over this. When you deny people what you have been providing, and they learned to take it for granted, they begin acting strangely. You either get disgusted and leave, they leave, or they fall by the wayside. Still, at times, it's  painful and insulting how quickly people let go or how they won't fight for the friendship.
     Real friends are accepting. They let go of issues and fight for friendships. They never fight you over trivialities. They  don't project helplessness in order to manipulate others. They are genuine people, with real issues, and they're the ones who I want to help and support.
    Through setting boundaries and the use of "no," Anna had taught me an effective way to gauge people and their intentions. I can not be more grateful.