Women for too long have been taught to be sugar and spice and everything nice, don't make a fuss, don't make people mad, be polite and let crap happen to you
-Randy King
Randy's quote.. my own dojo hopping.. it all made sense - you don't undo non physical issues by depending on physical defense as "insurance."
So what's the appeal in moving from one martial art to another, one dojo to another, to mixed martial arts, while attaining proficiency in nothing? The addicting exercise and the thrill of "new" and "different." Physically challenging classes were ideal. Getting me to understand concepts? Nope. I was too panicked, too bored, too uninterested for such "complicated" matters. I was there under false pretenses, but still hoped that taking classes was a good antidote against trouble.
Thinking that taking classes automatically instills the "I'm not the one" mentality is a false and dangerous assumption. For me, the stereotypical "bad guy" hiding behind the bushes was less of an issue than acquaintances, (with less than genuine agendas), that I had regretably managed to allow into my life. I can't help wondering how different life would be if each time I conveyed, "I'm not the one. The trouble you want to start won't be worth your effort here." Back then, it didn't happen. So that leads me to ask.. if one can't verbally aggress when necessary, how can one progress into utilizing physical defense when necessary?
Due to the help of many people within the VioDy group, I'm not who I used to be, and for that, I will always be grateful. Oh, and as for those "complicated," "boring," "scary" techniques? Randy presented responses to increased physical altercation. And although that's a gross oversimplification of what we actually observed, even I can't complicate the main goal - to disengage and escape as quickly as possible.
Monday, November 14, 2016
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Reviving "No"
The fact that I have a good reason doesn't mean that you have an obligation.
- Anna Valdiserri
These were life altering words from Anna at a time when I was forcing myself to look at some of my "issues." A change would affect everyone with whom I dealt, and I was anticipating the displeasure.
Soon after VioDy, Anna began talking to me about boundaries and the word "no." Warnings, consequences .. it was all fascinating information. But how was any of it applicable if one felt incapable of telling others "no?" Actually, this wasn't about an inability to formulate a two letter word. It was about a fear of perceived repercussions from denying others' requests.
Anna didn't judge. She advised me to practice saying no to people. We tried it. She thought of a ridiculous example. Anna asked if I'd fly across the ocean, go to her back yard, and pick up dog poop. She followed the question with, "I hurt my back." I baulked. "You have a good reason.." That's when Anna offered the quote at the beginning of this post. I was floored. With one sentence, Anna taught me how not to be guilt tripped into giving into people. It was time to "get selfish" (become more resistant). Here's what I learned:
Manipulators don't need you; they want what you can provide. I realized I was dealing with very capable adults. Any excuse to the contrary was.. an excuse. This wasn't about offering help or support, this was about doing people's bidding. If one is the path of least resistance, why would people turn elsewhere?
You lose "friends" over this. When you deny people what you have been providing, and they learned to take it for granted, they begin acting strangely. You either get disgusted and leave, they leave, or they fall by the wayside. Still, at times, it's painful and insulting how quickly people let go or how they won't fight for the friendship.
Real friends are accepting. They let go of issues and fight for friendships. They never fight you over trivialities. They don't project helplessness in order to manipulate others. They are genuine people, with real issues, and they're the ones who I want to help and support.
Through setting boundaries and the use of "no," Anna had taught me an effective way to gauge people and their intentions. I can not be more grateful.
- Anna Valdiserri
These were life altering words from Anna at a time when I was forcing myself to look at some of my "issues." A change would affect everyone with whom I dealt, and I was anticipating the displeasure.
Soon after VioDy, Anna began talking to me about boundaries and the word "no." Warnings, consequences .. it was all fascinating information. But how was any of it applicable if one felt incapable of telling others "no?" Actually, this wasn't about an inability to formulate a two letter word. It was about a fear of perceived repercussions from denying others' requests.
Anna didn't judge. She advised me to practice saying no to people. We tried it. She thought of a ridiculous example. Anna asked if I'd fly across the ocean, go to her back yard, and pick up dog poop. She followed the question with, "I hurt my back." I baulked. "You have a good reason.." That's when Anna offered the quote at the beginning of this post. I was floored. With one sentence, Anna taught me how not to be guilt tripped into giving into people. It was time to "get selfish" (become more resistant). Here's what I learned:
Manipulators don't need you; they want what you can provide. I realized I was dealing with very capable adults. Any excuse to the contrary was.. an excuse. This wasn't about offering help or support, this was about doing people's bidding. If one is the path of least resistance, why would people turn elsewhere?
You lose "friends" over this. When you deny people what you have been providing, and they learned to take it for granted, they begin acting strangely. You either get disgusted and leave, they leave, or they fall by the wayside. Still, at times, it's painful and insulting how quickly people let go or how they won't fight for the friendship.
Real friends are accepting. They let go of issues and fight for friendships. They never fight you over trivialities. They don't project helplessness in order to manipulate others. They are genuine people, with real issues, and they're the ones who I want to help and support.
Through setting boundaries and the use of "no," Anna had taught me an effective way to gauge people and their intentions. I can not be more grateful.
Sunday, November 6, 2016
A Lack of Muscle Behind "No"
Can anything lessons be learned from movies? In a scene from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Ian is sitting at the table with his future family as wedding plans are discussed. The following exchange occurs between him and Maria, his future mother - in- law:
"Ian, are you hungry?"
"Ugh, no, I already ate."
"Ok, I make you something."
"Ok."
After Maria sets a hot bowl of food on the table, she turns her back, not realizing that Ian burned himself. When she faces Ian again, she directs, "Ian, eat, eat!" Ian then asks his future brother -in-law, "How do you say thank you in Greek?"
We may notice cultural differences, hospitality, and good intentions in this movie scene, but do we notice any negative ocurrances of social conditioning? Ian's answer to whether or not he's hungry is disregarded. The question seems to be asked not out of concern, but as an announcement as to what Maria will do, (feed him). Ian's facial expression may convey frustration, but he verbally accepts. He expresses a desire to thank Maria in her native language, (for food he didn't ask to receive).
Thus far, we've been focusing on a movie scene with adult characters. But, what happens when the aforementioned scene exists in real life and is taught to some children as proper behavior? Again, good intentions aside, should children be made to accommodate adults in the name of social conditioning or faux politeness? Manners may be instilled, but do they take precedence over a lack of social boundaries? When constantly taught that "no" means "yes," what effect do mixed messages have on children?
Can I accurately predict these children's behavior, fifteen years later, once they've left their main spheres of influence? No. I am not an expert, and hopefully many other factors will influence these new adults' decisions. Do I, however, believe that it's a good idea to teach and renforce one, inflexible, social script? Again, no. Pushy but well meaning Aunt Bonnie does not have the same agenda as pushy, First Date Bob, who already ordered Jane the drink that she had just refused. Will prim and proper Jane, who's accustomed to people slicing through her expressions of "no," suddenly gain enough assertiveness to physically remove herself from an uncomfortable and potentially dangerous situation?
"Ian, are you hungry?"
"Ugh, no, I already ate."
"Ok, I make you something."
"Ok."
After Maria sets a hot bowl of food on the table, she turns her back, not realizing that Ian burned himself. When she faces Ian again, she directs, "Ian, eat, eat!" Ian then asks his future brother -in-law, "How do you say thank you in Greek?"
We may notice cultural differences, hospitality, and good intentions in this movie scene, but do we notice any negative ocurrances of social conditioning? Ian's answer to whether or not he's hungry is disregarded. The question seems to be asked not out of concern, but as an announcement as to what Maria will do, (feed him). Ian's facial expression may convey frustration, but he verbally accepts. He expresses a desire to thank Maria in her native language, (for food he didn't ask to receive).
Thus far, we've been focusing on a movie scene with adult characters. But, what happens when the aforementioned scene exists in real life and is taught to some children as proper behavior? Again, good intentions aside, should children be made to accommodate adults in the name of social conditioning or faux politeness? Manners may be instilled, but do they take precedence over a lack of social boundaries? When constantly taught that "no" means "yes," what effect do mixed messages have on children?
Can I accurately predict these children's behavior, fifteen years later, once they've left their main spheres of influence? No. I am not an expert, and hopefully many other factors will influence these new adults' decisions. Do I, however, believe that it's a good idea to teach and renforce one, inflexible, social script? Again, no. Pushy but well meaning Aunt Bonnie does not have the same agenda as pushy, First Date Bob, who already ordered Jane the drink that she had just refused. Will prim and proper Jane, who's accustomed to people slicing through her expressions of "no," suddenly gain enough assertiveness to physically remove herself from an uncomfortable and potentially dangerous situation?
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
Filling a Sieve
I don't think loyalty means what you think it does.
- Marc MacYoung
What did Marc mean when he told me this? What was he seeing? I was too emotionally messed up and too scared with this new revelation to ask, but I knew one thing - Marc had NEVER steered me wrong before..
VioDy had offered a taste of empowerment, and it tasted delicious! Back at home, though, unresolved reality loomed. And although I was able to return to my normal life, I no longer wanted it. Time was spent asking questions and seeking advice from good people. I'm extremely grateful that they offered their moral support as I walked away from the first individual. I walked away from others afterwards. It wasn't an easy year, especially since I value friendships and take them seriously. Yet the sense of relief behind each of these decisions was undeniable.
So what about loyalty? In hindsight, if we're terrified of change, I think we
convince ourselves of a lot in order to tolerate our current situations. Loyalty was me self placating during stagnation. Yes, I was doormat, but, (I convinced myself), I was a loyal, dependable one. People needed me, and, besides, what kind of person walks away because problems exist?
Marc was right, my definition of loyalty was skewed.
Loyalty is not synonymous with cowardice, (tolerating unwanted behavior to avoid fearful confrontation), it's not synonymous with either enabling or being enabled, (being each other's crutches without pursuit of positive change), and it's certainly not synonymous with guilt, (being driven to compliance out of obligation).
Loyalty is best reserved for those who: understand it, appreciate it, and can reciprocate. The opposite is equivalent to pouring into a sieve with the expectation of filling it. Even I can recognize the absurdity of such an undertaking.
- Marc MacYoung
What did Marc mean when he told me this? What was he seeing? I was too emotionally messed up and too scared with this new revelation to ask, but I knew one thing - Marc had NEVER steered me wrong before..
VioDy had offered a taste of empowerment, and it tasted delicious! Back at home, though, unresolved reality loomed. And although I was able to return to my normal life, I no longer wanted it. Time was spent asking questions and seeking advice from good people. I'm extremely grateful that they offered their moral support as I walked away from the first individual. I walked away from others afterwards. It wasn't an easy year, especially since I value friendships and take them seriously. Yet the sense of relief behind each of these decisions was undeniable.
So what about loyalty? In hindsight, if we're terrified of change, I think we
convince ourselves of a lot in order to tolerate our current situations. Loyalty was me self placating during stagnation. Yes, I was doormat, but, (I convinced myself), I was a loyal, dependable one. People needed me, and, besides, what kind of person walks away because problems exist?
Marc was right, my definition of loyalty was skewed.
Loyalty is not synonymous with cowardice, (tolerating unwanted behavior to avoid fearful confrontation), it's not synonymous with either enabling or being enabled, (being each other's crutches without pursuit of positive change), and it's certainly not synonymous with guilt, (being driven to compliance out of obligation).
Loyalty is best reserved for those who: understand it, appreciate it, and can reciprocate. The opposite is equivalent to pouring into a sieve with the expectation of filling it. Even I can recognize the absurdity of such an undertaking.
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