Filling a Sieve

   I don't think loyalty means what you think it does.
                     - Marc MacYoung

  What did Marc mean when he told me this? What was he seeing? I was too emotionally messed up and too scared with this new revelation to ask, but I knew one thing - Marc had NEVER steered me wrong before..
   VioDy had offered a taste of empowerment, and it tasted delicious! Back at home, though, unresolved reality loomed. And although I was able to return to my normal life, I no longer wanted it. Time was spent asking questions and seeking advice from good people. I'm extremely grateful that they offered their moral support as I walked away from the first individual. I walked away from others afterwards. It wasn't an easy year, especially since I value friendships and take them seriously. Yet the sense of relief behind each of these decisions was undeniable.
   So what about loyalty? In hindsight, if  we're terrified of change, I think we
 convince ourselves of a lot in order to tolerate our current situations. Loyalty was me self placating  during stagnation. Yes, I was doormat, but, (I convinced myself), I was a loyal, dependable one. People needed me,  and, besides, what kind of person walks away because problems exist?
   Marc was right, my definition of loyalty was skewed.
   Loyalty is not synonymous with cowardice, (tolerating unwanted behavior to avoid fearful confrontation), it's not synonymous with either enabling or being enabled, (being each other's crutches without pursuit of positive change), and it's certainly not synonymous with guilt, (being driven to compliance out of obligation).
   Loyalty is best reserved for those who: understand it, appreciate it, and can reciprocate. The opposite is equivalent to pouring into a sieve with the expectation of filling it. Even I can recognize the absurdity of such an undertaking.