Parking Lot Weirdness, Pt .1

     No one's paying attention. - Rory Miller

     Rory's response to me after I exclaimed, "They weren't even paying attention," served, in hindsight, as a warning  for the following day. At the time, though, with nothing ambiguously sinister presenting itself,  the final day of a wonderful seminar, with wonderful people, commenced.  The uniqueness of this self defense seminar lies in the instructors' abilities to teach their students both physical and non physical skills. The lessons learned are subjective, personal to each individual's observations and experiences, and can be lifechanging. On this final day, we were observing people- their dress, their behavior, and their reaction to us.
     Rory  was our group's first instructor that day at The Mall of America. We were supposed to be following people. How? The group separated. Unsure of what to do, I watched as Danny picked two or three people who were walking together, and she walked behind them. After a short while, she ducked into a store, undetected. When I began following those same people, they were absorbed in conversation, and I, too, went unnoticed.
    Who were "they?" Random strangers, people that, (with no other options in a crowded mall), anyone would be following at any given day. Normally, I would be hyper- focused on such people, willing them to move, or looking for ways to pass them. If I wasn't in a hurry, normally, my face would nearly be glued to my cell phone, as if text conversations required constant, immediate attention. So why was I surprised with these, specific people?  Rory's comment pertained to them, and to others at the mall, but, "You do it too," my conscience accused, forcing me to become aware of my own hypocrisy. It was a memorable lesson on paying attention.
     The day continued, and we switched instructors multiple times. Each of our assignments focused on awareness. At one point, the vastness of the mall, the sea of people, movement, and the din of background noise became overwhelming. What  I needed to notice about people wasn't going to get noticed. Frustrated, I asked Danny, wondering aloud as to why I couldn't do this.
     Insightful, helpful, supportive and protective, Danny is one of Vio Dy's nicest people.  She hesitated, then  told me, "...I think you don't want to be seen, so you don't see people."  She was 100 percent on point. From my outfits to my demeanor, nothing about me invites a stranger's approach, ever. I can't achieve invisibility, but I strive for uninteresting. Anxious introverts aren't known for friendliness. Yet, with as much as I wanted to be left alone, what was I actually projecting? What had Danny noticed? Would strangers, if they cared to look, make the same observations? What would be the outcome?
     Conversations with Danny inspire thinking. I realized that  assuming that entering an unwritten  contract with society and considering it as our primary mode of protection is a dangerous assumption. We may attempt to manipulate situations, project certain looks and demeanors, or attempt to gain/avoid attention in any other manner, and, as long as our wants/wishes coincide with those of most people, they will generally be granted. We aren't, however, guaranteed reciprocation. What do we do when, a strategy that we've relied upon for years, one day fails us? Do we have an alternate plan? Does the event's outcome reshape our future?
     What I learned from everyone, but in particular, from both Rory and Danny at Vio Dy last year, were invaluable lessons. When my "avoid to be avoided" strategy failed, vigilance didn't.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   























































   
 

"Go!"

   Anytime you force me to put my hands on  you it will hurt - like a buffet of pain.
                      - Kasey Keckeisen
   This quote... I'm both laughing  at its irony and nodding at its significance.
   Although any self defense instructor can inflict damage, (to me), the hiliarious irony is that this quote is authored by one of the most respectful people that I have ever met. I don't mean to either imply that most people are savages or to downplay their levels of decency. But Kasey is genuinely respectful and seems unencumbered by reciprocation, ulterior motives, or any other reasons that others may use to feign respectfulness. So the fact that this quote came from Kasey is even more empowering.
   My world is predominantly comprised of adults, and, thankfully, no one I currently associate with is being physically abused. Yet the anger, hurt, and helpless at preemptive mistreatment is palpable. Whether  it's due to fear, self doubt, guilt, or other reasons,  issues remain prolongedly unresolved, which allows others to act according to their own whims.
   To me, (who both hates confrontation and can be manipulated into compliance through basically any human emotion),  Kasey's words offer solutions that surpass incidents dealing solely with physical confrontations. The viability of  righteous, reactive responses, (which I believe that Kasey promotes), is applicable to my world, too. The solutions include exposing the mistreatment and placing responsibility onto whomever it belongs, rather than reacting emotionally. The solutions also include withholding accommodation when it is demanded, especially through the use manipulation.
    If it hasn't yet, I believe this issue will affect all of us, everywhere. And as self-absorption becomes more commonly practiced, and as preferential treatment, (especially at the expense of others), gets more aggressively demanded, Kasey's encouragement to react to mistreatment is a welcome relief.


 
   
 

 

Self Directing

   You already know how to fight, you just got to give yourself permission.
                                  -Rory Miller
   Permission. Allowance. Who's responsible for what? Should they be? I hadn't asked these questions before this years's VioDy seminar, but now I have answers. And the answers, thankfully, contradict my previous behavior.
   There is nothing "scary" about VioDy, but when anxiety plagues your head, forcing your body to open the entrance door can be an ordeal. Similarly, there was nothing "scary" about Rory's drills, but when anxiety... Physically, the drills were not difficult.They were, however, presented in very different and unique manners. Mentally, in essence, we were solving mini "puzzles." Individually.
   Rory's reassurances to us all, and wonderful, patient training partners kept my head under control. Usually emotionally comfortable with people providing answers, my head emotionally resisted me leaving this comfort zone and seeking the answers myself. Yet inspite of my head groaning, "oh noo," the drills were doable. Every. Single. Time. The gained self confidence was new, and it was addicting.
   Today, "ordinary life," isn't ordinary. As I take a more proactive stance regarding my own issues and relationships, I realize that some people are less than thrilled. Mutual advice and emotional support are still my favorite bonding activities with friends. However, I now realize that I had granted permission to certain people over certain aspects of my life. When it comes to oneself, such permission should obviously be unwarranted. How, then, did this become an issue? Although many concerned, wonderful people will offer advice, exploitative people will seek personal gain. Through VioDy, I learned that many of life's issues can be resolved: unemotionally, individually, and without the negative issues that many people provide. Still, the consequences of poor judgement remain. Some of my most prolonged, exhausting, painful "fights" today seem to revolve around people's need to reestablish their sense of dominance.
   Although avoiding issues has proven to be the best solution, resolving them is still more beneficial than wallowing in them. Both require self confidence. For me, "the self confidence gain" occurred at VioDy, and it's synonymous with Rory.
 

 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lack of "Insurance"

     Women for too long have been taught to be sugar and spice and everything nice, don't make a fuss, don't make people mad, be polite and let crap happen to you
                          -Randy King
   Randy's quote.. my own dojo hopping.. it all made sense - you don't undo non physical issues by depending on physical defense as "insurance."
   So what's the appeal in moving from one martial art to another, one dojo to another, to mixed martial arts, while attaining proficiency in nothing? The addicting exercise and the thrill of "new" and "different." Physically challenging classes were ideal. Getting me to understand concepts? Nope. I was too panicked, too bored, too uninterested for such "complicated" matters. I was there under false pretenses, but still hoped that taking classes was a good antidote against trouble.
   Thinking that taking classes automatically instills the "I'm not the one" mentality is a false and dangerous assumption. For me, the stereotypical "bad guy" hiding behind the bushes was less of an issue than acquaintances, (with less than genuine agendas), that I had regretably managed to allow into my life. I can't help wondering how different life would be if each time I conveyed, "I'm not the one. The trouble you want to start  won't be worth your effort here." Back then, it didn't happen. So that leads me to ask.. if one can't verbally aggress when necessary, how can one progress into utilizing physical defense when necessary?
   Due to the help of many people within the VioDy group, I'm not who I used to be, and for that, I will always be grateful. Oh, and as for those "complicated," "boring," "scary"  techniques? Randy presented responses to increased physical altercation. And although that's a gross oversimplification of what we actually observed, even I can't complicate the main goal - to disengage and escape as quickly as possible.
 






































 

Reviving "No"

     The fact that I have a good reason doesn't mean that you have an obligation.
                 - Anna Valdiserri
    These were life altering words from  Anna at a time when I was forcing myself to look at some of my "issues." A change would affect everyone with whom I dealt, and I was anticipating the displeasure.
   Soon after VioDy, Anna began talking to me about boundaries and the word "no." Warnings, consequences .. it was all fascinating information. But how was any of it applicable if one felt incapable of telling others "no?" Actually, this wasn't about an inability to formulate a two letter word. It was about a fear of  perceived repercussions from denying others' requests.
    Anna didn't judge. She advised me to practice saying no to people. We tried it. She thought of a ridiculous example. Anna asked if I'd fly across the ocean, go to her back yard, and pick up dog poop. She followed the question with,  "I hurt my back." I baulked. "You have a good reason.." That's when Anna offered the quote at the beginning of this post. I was floored. With one sentence, Anna taught me how not to be guilt tripped into giving into people. It was time to "get selfish" (become more resistant). Here's what I learned:
    Manipulators don't need you; they want  what you can provide. I realized I was dealing with very capable adults. Any excuse to the contrary was.. an excuse. This wasn't about offering help or support, this was about doing people's bidding. If one is the path of least resistance, why would people turn elsewhere?
    You lose "friends" over this. When you deny people what you have been providing, and they learned to take it for granted, they begin acting strangely. You either get disgusted and leave, they leave, or they fall by the wayside. Still, at times, it's  painful and insulting how quickly people let go or how they won't fight for the friendship.
     Real friends are accepting. They let go of issues and fight for friendships. They never fight you over trivialities. They  don't project helplessness in order to manipulate others. They are genuine people, with real issues, and they're the ones who I want to help and support.
    Through setting boundaries and the use of "no," Anna had taught me an effective way to gauge people and their intentions. I can not be more grateful.
   
 











 
 

       


 
 

   

A Lack of Muscle Behind "No"

   Can anything lessons be learned from movies?  In a scene from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Ian is sitting at the table with his future family as wedding plans are discussed. The following exchange occurs between him and Maria, his future mother - in- law:
   "Ian, are you hungry?"
   "Ugh, no, I already ate."
   "Ok, I make you something."
   "Ok."
     After Maria sets a hot bowl of food on the table, she turns her back, not realizing that Ian burned himself. When she faces Ian again, she directs, "Ian, eat, eat!" Ian then asks his future brother -in-law, "How do you say thank you in Greek?"
We may notice cultural differences, hospitality, and good intentions in this movie scene, but do we notice any negative ocurrances of social conditioning? Ian's answer to whether or not he's hungry is disregarded. The question seems to be asked not out of concern, but as an announcement as to what Maria will do, (feed him). Ian's facial expression may convey frustration, but he verbally accepts. He expresses a desire to thank Maria in her native language, (for food he didn't ask to receive).
   Thus far, we've been focusing on a movie scene with adult characters. But, what happens when the aforementioned scene exists in real life and is taught to some children as proper behavior? Again, good intentions aside, should children be made to accommodate adults in the name of social conditioning or faux politeness?  Manners may be instilled, but do they take precedence over a lack of social boundaries? When constantly taught that "no" means "yes," what effect do mixed messages have on children?
   Can I accurately predict these children's  behavior, fifteen years later, once they've left their main spheres of influence? No. I  am not an expert, and hopefully many other factors will influence these new adults' decisions. Do I, however, believe that it's a good idea to teach and renforce one, inflexible, social script? Again, no. Pushy but well meaning Aunt Bonnie does not have the same agenda as pushy, First Date Bob, who already ordered Jane the drink that she had just refused. Will prim and proper Jane, who's accustomed to people slicing through her expressions of "no," suddenly gain enough assertiveness to physically remove herself from an uncomfortable and potentially dangerous situation?
 
 










 

Filling a Sieve

   I don't think loyalty means what you think it does.
                     - Marc MacYoung

  What did Marc mean when he told me this? What was he seeing? I was too emotionally messed up and too scared with this new revelation to ask, but I knew one thing - Marc had NEVER steered me wrong before..
   VioDy had offered a taste of empowerment, and it tasted delicious! Back at home, though, unresolved reality loomed. And although I was able to return to my normal life, I no longer wanted it. Time was spent asking questions and seeking advice from good people. I'm extremely grateful that they offered their moral support as I walked away from the first individual. I walked away from others afterwards. It wasn't an easy year, especially since I value friendships and take them seriously. Yet the sense of relief behind each of these decisions was undeniable.
   So what about loyalty? In hindsight, if  we're terrified of change, I think we
 convince ourselves of a lot in order to tolerate our current situations. Loyalty was me self placating  during stagnation. Yes, I was doormat, but, (I convinced myself), I was a loyal, dependable one. People needed me,  and, besides, what kind of person walks away because problems exist?
   Marc was right, my definition of loyalty was skewed.
   Loyalty is not synonymous with cowardice, (tolerating unwanted behavior to avoid fearful confrontation), it's not synonymous with either enabling or being enabled, (being each other's crutches without pursuit of positive change), and it's certainly not synonymous with guilt, (being driven to compliance out of obligation).
   Loyalty is best reserved for those who: understand it, appreciate it, and can reciprocate. The opposite is equivalent to pouring into a sieve with the expectation of filling it. Even I can recognize the absurdity of such an undertaking.